In Memory
by susanatc
Summary: Set a couple of years after the finale, Castle and Beckett deal with the loss of a family member.


This is set a couple of years in the future after the series end. It has not been betaed, so all mistakes are mine. It has also been quite some time since I've written anything, so I apologize for the rust.

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Kate rolled over in the bed, her hand instinctively searching for the warmth of her husband's body. The feel of the silk sheets beneath her fingertips instead brought her fully awake. A quick glance at the clock confirmed that it was entirely too early for him to be up and the coolness of the sheets on his side of the bed was enough to convince her that it wasn't just a middle of the night trip to answer nature's call.

While it wouldn't be the first time that inspiration had hit in the middle of the night and he'd gone to his study to work, Kate doubted that was the case tonight. In spite of his best efforts to keep it hidden from her, she knew that it had been an emotional week for him. It was that knowledge that had her out of the bed and tying her robe around her waist as she went in search of him.

The study was dark other than the lights from the city shining through the windows, but Kate had no problem identifying Castle's form. He was standing in front of the window, his back to the room, gaze fixed on some unidentified object outside.

Kate made her way to his side, and as if he'd been expecting her, he lifted his arm in invitation, pulling her against his body as she stepped into his personal space. She wrapped her arms around his waist and leaned her head against his shoulder, letting him take the lead.

They stood there in silence for several minutes before Castle finally spoke. "It's been a whole year."

"I know," she replied softly, her heart breaking for the pain she could hear in his voice, a pain she was more than familiar with.

"In all of my years of writing Nikki Heat, I never once truly understood the void she lived with; the pain she carried inside of her." He turned his gaze to her then and added, "The pain you've carried inside of you all this time."

Kate paused for a moment before she answered. She didn't want to dismiss his concern for her well-being, but she also knew that he needed to focus on himself right now. "Nikki and I both had the perspective of being many years removed, Rick. You don't have that distance yet."

He turned his gaze back to the window and was quiet for so long that Kate thought she'd made the wrong decision in her words.

When he finally spoke again, Kate could hear the emotion in his words. "Sometimes it still feels like I can't breathe."

"Sometimes I still forget," he continued. "I'll pass by a boutique and see an outfit in the window and think how much she would love that."

He took a deep, shuddering breath and pressed on, "Sometimes, I even dream about her. As weird as it sounds, I seem to know in my dreams that she doesn't belong there, but nobody else seems to be aware of that. And then suddenly I'm awake and I've lost her all over again."

Kate tightened her hold on him, suddenly understanding the more frequent than usual interrupted nights when he'd waken her with passionate kisses, claimed her body, and then fallen asleep with his head resting on her breasts, arms wrapped tightly around her.

"When I signed the new book contract last week, the first thing I thought was how excited you were going to be. The second thing was how I should call mother and tell her."

Kate knew without lifting her head that the tears he'd been holding back all week had finally made an escape.

"I keep thinking about the kids and all the things they're never going to experience with her," he continued. "They're still so young that their memories of her are mostly going to consist of a face in a photo album. Then I think about Alexis and her new business and how excited she is about it and how close she was to her grandmother and how much it must hurt her to not be able to share that excitement with her anymore."

There was a long pause and Kate lifted her eyes, surprised to find that he was no longer looking out the window but had fixed his gaze on her. "Sometimes I'll find myself angry, thinking about how unfair it is that she's gone, and then I think about you and how you lost your mom at such a young age and I feel guilty for even having those thoughts."

"Don't, Rick," she whispered. "There is no right or wrong here."

He turned his gaze back to the window and Kate felt him take another deep breath. She had suspected that he might have been beating himself up on occasions for how he had been handling his mother's death, but she was surprised that he had actually admitted it. The man had been a tower of strength for their family when Martha had gotten sick. The diagnosis had been grim. Cancer. Nothing they could do. A few months at best. In reality, it had been weeks, not months. Four short weeks that passed in a blur and somehow seemed to last an eternity at the same time.

Martha had made Castle promise that she wouldn't die alone in a hospital so he had hired a nursing service for her. They had turned their study into a make-shift bedroom and that's where she'd spent the short time she'd had left. Kate had awoken more than once to find Castle sitting at his mother's bedside, reading to her from her favorite novel as he held her hand and she slowly drifted off to sleep, the pain medications finally winning. The love he'd demonstrated to his mother and the dignity with which he'd treated her had made Kate fall in love with him all over again.

"People talk about things getting back to normal and I wonder if anything will ever feel normal again," Rick whispered.

"They won't," Kate replied. "Not ever." She waited until his gaze met hers again and then continued, "But we'll find a new normal, Rick. A new normal for us. A new normal without grandmothers for our children; a new normal without Martha's flare for the dramatic; a new normal without her lighting up every room she entered. I promise you that. We'll make it through this. However long it takes, we'll make it through together."

Castle wrapped his arms around her and buried his face in her neck. "I love you so much, Kate."

"I love you, too."

They stood there wrapped in each other's embrace for several minutes. Kate knew from experience how hard it was to adjust to the loss of a parent and she had seen Castle maneuver his way through the past year with a grace that she was certain he had no idea he possessed. Yes, there had been times when the emotions had been overwhelming and he'd walked away until he could compose himself; there had even been times when he'd been blindsided by the emotions and the tears had streamed down his face before he realized it was happening. But he'd kept on. Minute after minute, hour after hour, day after day, he had kept going. And he'd met every milestone with strength, even if he didn't necessarily feel strong. One week without his mom; one month without his mom; the first family gathering without his mom; his first mother's day without her; his first birthday without his mom; the holidays; all those special moments they had shared as mother and son. He had met every one of them head-on.

Kate knew there were times when he'd retired to his study to write for no other reason than to bleed off the emotions he was feeling. He'd shown her a couple of the tributes he'd written to Martha. They were beautiful.

She also knew that there were times when he chose her to help him beat the grief. She cherished those moments when he was completely vulnerable with her, when he laid his heart in her hands, trusting her to guard it as fiercely as he guarded hers.

He lifted his head then and met her gaze. "Let's go back to bed."

Kate took his hand and led him back to their bedroom. She knew this was only the beginning of what would undoubtedly be a trying day for him. They had plans to make an early morning trek to the cemetery to pay their respects before they got pulled in different directions so Kate wanted to make sure he was completely grounded before that happened.

As they settled back under the covers, Kate scooted closer to Castle's side. Leaning up to place a soft kiss to his lips, she looked him square in the eyes. "Are you okay?"

He turned his attention to her hair, tucking a strand of it behind her ear as avoided his gaze. She gave him the time he needed. When he finally brought his eyes back to her, his gaze was clear - the pain once again beaten back and hope shining through. "I will be," he promised her.

She offered him a small smile then and leaned in for another kiss.

He brought his hands up to her face and held her there, drinking from her lips for a long moment before finally easing back. She met his gaze unwaveringly until he finally smiled. "Goodnight, Kate."

She returned his smile and settled down at his side, one arm draped across his stomach and her head nestled against his shoulder. "Goodnight, Rick."

The End


End file.
